Old Jokers Corner

34. wayne 15:51:46, 28-11-2009
">email i bought my wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday,last night i took her to the fairground,i coudnt get her off the bloody big wheel.
33. Steve 13:16:47, 22-07-2009

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...  

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?  

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.  

Older Woman: Oh, I see. 

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?  

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.  

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?  

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.  

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  

Older Woman: I can't do that.  

Traffic Cop: Why not?  

Older Woman: I stole this car.  

Traffic Cop: Stole it?  

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.  

Traffic Cop: You what!? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.  

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! 
The woman steps out of her vehicle.  

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?  

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.  

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?! 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.  

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.  

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?  

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.  
The traffic cop is quite stunned.  

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.  

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.  

The officer examines the license quizzically.  

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!  

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.  
32. jim & linda 13:23:17, 17-05-2009
">email a husband was sitting at home looking at his marriage certificate."what are you looking for"asks his wife."the f**king expiry date!"he replies...
31. Steve 07:49:01, 15-04-2009

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 6 seconds.' 

I bought her some weighing scales.
30. Steve 17:38:05, 26-03-2009

Teacher in dyslexic class: 

"Ok kids, lets sing Old MacDonald. Are you ready? Ok here we go........ 

"Old Macdonald was dyslexic, 
eeyai eeyai Zed "
29. jim & linda 02:54:35, 14-03-2009
">email dyslexic kid asks his mum 4 mc'donalds,she says you can have oneif you can spell it, he replies .. f,,k it. i'll have a kfc!!39794
28. Julia 14:50:54, 20-02-2009
">email What does it mean to come home to tenderness, love, compassion, understanding and great sex? 

It means your in the wrong f***ing house!!!!
27. Julia 14:48:37, 20-02-2009
">email Mr Tickle wanted to marry the girl of his dreams, but however much she loved him Tess was reluctant to take on his surname..........
26. Steve 09:49:49, 08-02-2009

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.. 

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. 
Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything  
seems to be OK, but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.' 
The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked your insurance and you've actually got up to £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new Willy that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. 

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It is one thousand pounds an inch.' 

The bloke perks up a bit at this (as you would.) 'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor says, 'you need to decide how many inches you  

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch Willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch Willy now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had nine inches before and you decide only to invest in five inches now, she might be a bit disappointed. 
So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.' 
The doctor comes back the next day. 
'So' he says, 'have you spoken with your wife?' 
'I have.' says the chap. 
'And has she helped you to make the decision?' 
'Yes, she has' he says. 
'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor....  

'We're having a new kitchen.'
25. Steve 12:37:20, 30-01-2009

Scientists in the UK have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. 

To prove their theory, they gave 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive. 
24. Steve 12:30:17, 30-01-2009

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.  

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.  

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.  

23. LAMBIS 11:45:49, 28-01-2009

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?" 
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box." 

22. jim & linda 01:20:30, 28-01-2009
">email bought myself anew deodorant stick today,instructions said ;take off top& push up bottom;am still in casualty at the moment;but me farts smell loverly!!
21. Christy 23:24:27, 20-01-2009
">email A guy goes to visit his friend at work.Wow he says your new secretary is beautiful! 
Thanks but she is a Robot, squeeze her left breast and she takes dictation, squeeze her right breast and she types a letter. You can bend her over any time u want and ----- !! 
The 2nd man says "can I borrow her for a moment" 
He takes her into the store cupboard ! 
After a few minutes the 1st man hears a scream"aaaaaarrrrgh!!!! 
1st man shouts "I forgot to tell you her mouth is a pencil sharpener!"
20. LAMBIS 12:48:00, 16-01-2009

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name." 

19. adam 23:17:34, 15-01-2009
">email a bloke take his wife to give blood so he can give her a blood donation but a few weeks later she does not want to be with him nomore so he says ok then be like that i want my blood back , so she throws him a used tampon n says here ya go i will pay u monthly
18. jim & linda 03:02:58, 11-01-2009
">email jock takes his wife to casualty,she,s no teeth broken nose&two black eyes.doctor says what happened jock says "she was going through the 
change." dr says "that does.nt happen with the change,"jock replies "it does when its in my f...ing pocking"
17. christy 17:22:38, 04-01-2009
">email Irish police pull over a lorry and say 'we've been following you for 3 miles and you've lost half your load? Driver replies 'thats because I am a bloody gritter!!
16. LAMBIS 19:45:05, 24-12-2008

A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No
15. LAMBIS 19:40:36, 24-12-2008

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? 
It took two hours to get the drummer out.

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